Privacy Policy

1. Data We Collect

We collect everything. Everything.

• Voluntary Data: The info you “freely” give us (name, email, DNA sample, etc.).
• Involuntary Data: We also take your IP address, browser history, and that weird meme you laughed at for 3 hours. If your toaster is connected to Wi-Fi, we’ll know how crispy you like your bread.
• Cookies: Not the edible kind. We use tracking cookies so advanced, they’ll probably unionize. You can “disable” them, but let’s be real—you won’t.

2. How We Use Your Data

• To personalize ads until you buy something out of sheer existential dread.
• To train our AI overlord, GladOS Jr., to predict your pizza preferences.
• To “anonymously” sell insights to third parties (your data will wear a tiny Groucho Marx disguise).
• To settle bets with our lawyers about how many users actually read this section. Spoiler: None.

3. Data Sharing

We’ll share your data with:

• Advertisers: They need new targets.
• Governments: Only if they ask nicely (or with a warrant).
• Questionable Third Parties: Including your nosy neighbor’s dog, Elon Musk’s Twitter feed, and our CEO’s conspiracy theorist uncle.

4. Your “Rights”

Under GDPR, you can:

• Request your data: We’ll send it via encrypted carrier pigeon (processing time: 6-8 business millennia).
• Delete your data: We’ll pretend to do it while secretly storing it in a vault guarded by a depressed AI.
• Opt out of cookies: Just kidding. Here’s a 🍪 instead.

5. Security

We protect your data with “state-of-the-art” measures, like a padlock from Dollar General and a sternly worded Post-it.